SUFC

STRATHCLYDE UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL CLUB

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Goalkeepers


	Name: Mike MacKenzie Known as: Bassett, Schillaci, Sloth DOB: 20th July 1988 Course: Marketing Mike hails from Troon on the West Coast, and has been playing as a goalkeeper for most of his 'career'. He currently stays in Glasgow and loves the city and the nights out. His aim for this season is to win the Wednesday league and push for a Saturday number one jersey. Known by some as Sloth for his uncanny ability to crawl around his goalmouth. Mike often enjoys kicking goalposts and taking childish tantrums whenever conceding a goal. He has been known to vent his anger publicly if he wears his best jumper on a night out and doesn't pull. Bassett's claim to fame is that he used to have his football stolen from him by Alan Hutton on a regular occasion. Currently the heaviest member of the playing squad at 16 stone, and club captain with Paul Cross and Stevie Beggs.
	Name: David Paterson Known as: Dave the Rave, Fat Pat, Suicide Watch DOB: 17th April 1989 Course: Business Dave is new to Clyde this year and has made a great start to his Uni career. He has been the flying potato's understudy already this season and has performed well for the two's also. Dave the Rave who is competing with Fingers Bassett for the Two's number one jersey has also found him competing with Mike on the Dance floor as Dave is part of the team that rivals Team Handsome known as the Chubby Chasers.
Picture will Appear Soon	Name: Ross Mitchell Known as: Mitchell DOB: 14th March 1982 Course: Meng Manufacturing Graduated from Strathclyde in 2005 but keep returning to play for SUFC despite prolonged periods away due to work commitments. Enjoyed a spell running the Saturday 3rds with the occasional assistance of Gary Tolland. Determined to collect a winners medal with SUFC, could it be this season with the Saturday 3rds? Name: Ewan Mowat Known as: Mubs, Smithy, Mublaaar DOB: 2/5/1991 Course: Bsc Sport and Physical Activity Mubs is a young goalkeeper known for his love for pink gloves and highlander crisps, and his James Cordon-esque looks. Remains upbeat about progressing at 'Clyde despite being informed at rank shirt night how much better Bassett is than him, by Bassett. Plans to tell people about his Salou wondersave for at least a couple of years.

Defenders





	Name: Martin Gillespie Known as: Martin, Chopper DOB: Course: Didly Dee music, but with a bit of rock Martin is a carbon copy of brother Danny, just with an extra 14 pounds. One of the Gillespie duo that have been stalwarts with Clyde for the last few years. He is a versatile defender who plays right across the back four. Most famous for his role in Skerryvore (they play rock diddly dee music) and his quotes of "what happens on tour stays on tour". Martin has an uncanny knack of loosing van keys and wallets on a frequent basis. As one half of Glasgow's very own version of the proclaimers, Martin gives 100% in everything he does and many a player in Glasgow can testify to the ferocity of his tackling.
	Name: Phil Murray Known as: Phil, Big Phil (only by his missus), Phil the power (again... only by his missus) DOB: 31st January 1984 Course: PE Teaching Phil has been at the club for about 3 seasons now and played in just about every position, however, he is now pretty much settled at full back. When he isn't halting many an attack down either flank, on rare occasions you can find him between the sticks keeping clean sheets. "I’m probably the best 7^th choice keeper that I know of". Phil was a key factor in the departure of coach Vinny Bryson after metaphorically killing him on numerous occasions. He also enjoys a night in the union when he can safely negotiate the top step leading up to it, and can often be heard muttering phrases such as "Mon the Tigers" and "Ah! Me groin!!".
	Namy: Roddy MacKay Known as: Roddy, Denner Jr, Finch, Shit-Break DOB: 14th June 1989 Course: Roddy is in his second season with the Clyde. He is the younger and more talented brother to SUFC Legend Neil Mackay. Roddy plies his trade as a combative defender. Roddy is hoping to get himself established in the Wednesday and Saturday teams this year. Roddy hates goals but loves pies, so if there are any ladies out there who fit this bill please write to Roddy.Mackay@ ........... An aerial dominator, those who remember his brother will testify that Roddy's awful banter has been passed on through the sheep loving genes of the Mackay clan.
	Name Paul McCusker Known as: Paul DOB: 2nd December 1988 Course: Sport and Physical Activity Paul is currently in his 2nd year Strathclyde and 2nd year with SUFC. He enjoys playing Centre-Half, although, he is also capable of playing Defensive Midfield. Pauls major hobby involves nights out at Glasgow's top pubs & clubs, however, he also likes winning games and his aims for this season is to play reguarly for both Saturday and Wednesday teams. Paul is also likely to be this seasons match day secretary for the 3rd team.

	Name: Euan Godon Known as: Euan, Glamour Boy, Gok Wan DOB: 4th July 1989 Course: One of the prettier boys at the club, Euan is a cultured full back who loves a stepover or five. His buccaneering runs down the right hand side are breath taking. Euan is one for the ladies and regularly draws a crowd of young ladies from Hamilton at the side of the pitches. He is Clydes answer to David Beckham but only off the pitch. He rivals Heggie for the sun beds. Euan has been with Clyde since 2007 and is wanting to get Clyde's Glamour Boys back out of retirement. He can often be seen in a mirror uttering the words "you're a tiger". Many believe Euan has taken the hype surrounding the first 3 letters of his surname literally, however he denies these claims & is happy to be referred to as Christ instead.

	Name: Paul Cross Known as: Crossy, DRX, Old Yin, Longshanks DOB: Before they started recording them Course: PhD Chemistry Crossy is the only player in SUFC history to have grown up with Winston Churchill, he has been with the club since 2000 and is currently in his 9th season. Started out as a centre forward before making the step back to centre half last season. Last season he received his first player of the season award playing at centre half. Guess he should have made that move sooner than he did. Is now 1st team manager and retired from playing duty.

	Name: Moray Grant Known as: Moray, The Grandfather (Phil Gal), Mazey Muzza G. DOB: 25th May 1989 Course: Accounting and Finance Introduced to the beautiful game on the same fields as Bassett in Troon. Now playing in my 2nd year for the 'Clyde 2s on wednesday and saturday, hoping to avoid the chocolate ankles disease that blighted last season. Thrives on dangerous passes across own penalty box and aimless dribbles out of defence. Owed a pint per goal this season... and a goal will come. Eventually. Loves a gung-ho drive at the opposition defenders as well as some central defence Joga Bonito.
	Name: Steven Stirling Known as: Tinny, Goooooofeeeeeeeee B******d. DOB: 7th December 1987 Course: Chemical Engineering (There is no way he's this clever, he probably just hides in the back of the classes) Steven, or to give him his proper title Steven “Tin opener teeth” Stirling is new to the fold this year, even though he is in his 12^th year at uni. Tinny made his debut this season in a fierce encounter against Sporting Larkfield in the West of Scotland Cup. Tinny was unfortunate to be up against the oppositions touchline for the first half who quickly highlighted that Tinny does indeed have large protruding teeth, something the Clyde players were too polite to point out. Tinny battled through that game, netting a penalty in the shootout under severe pressure and intimidation from the opposition, something he could not repeat in training as his ball is side by side with Chris Waddles in the stratosphere. Tinny who is not backwards in coming forwards, rivals the Shanta brothers for the award of least intelligent at the club. Tinny who has been likened to Janet Street Porter is said to have begged Coach Bryson to get the boys to call him Steven or he won’t pass them the ball. Coach Bryson told him to deal with it or get his teeth fixed. Tinny is in turmoil, but seeing as he has a left foot, he is guaranteed to be around a while yet! Name: Stevie Beggs Known as: Beggsy DOB: Course: Sports Originating from Stranraer, Beggsy brings a good playing pedigree with affiliation to clubs such as Stranraer and Queen of the South. A solid left back, Beggsy is now an established player in the 2's squad. Despite living on a diet of chips, mayonnaise and Aldi lager, Beggsy is surprisingly quick. During the summer months, he can be found mopping up sick on the Stanraer to Belfast Stena Line ferry. Name: Ally Gillies Known as: Ally, Haangeland DOB: Course: Chemical Engineering Ally has quickly established himself as a solid, reliable centre half for the Wednesday 1st team and Saturday 2nd team. Ally is also well know for his favourite phrase "I was going to come out, but I had to go home", which he uses on a weekly basis. Name: Matt McGuire Known as: Matt, Davie Provan DOB: Course: Name: Willy Fox Known as: Willy, Wully, Fox in the Box DOB: Course: Engineering Willy is in his second season at Clyde and has established himself as a solid right back. Willie is rarely in a good mood, particularly when Rangers when losing.

Midfielders



	Name: Tam Mclaughlan Known as: Tam, Caveman, Bradley (from Eastenders (ask DrX)), Cube DOB: Course: Tam is another one of the 2007/2008 in take. He quickly established himself as a solid central midfielder for the 3's and achieved the player of the year award in his first season. Tam is the only member of SUFC to boast a perfectly cubic body which he uses to bounce people out of the way. It is the body of a god, shame it's Budha and has his burds name tattooed on his ripped body. The hair band he wears lets most of opponents think he has some samba flair about him, but his ginger locks contradict that. A strong, combatitive midfielder he potentially has a great SUFC career ahead of him, providing his floppy satin-curtain style fringe doesnt blind him during a match


	Name: John Roxburgh Known as: John, Corporal Birse DOB: 7th March 1989 Course: The Corporal joined the team back in 2007 as a Private, and quickly established himself as a second team player under the Wing of Sergeant Birse. John who has flowing locks to make the ladies jealous (he uses Timotei), aspires to be like his hero and SUFC Legend Scott Sergeant Birse. By taking over the Sgt's mantel on the pitch John got his promotion to Corporal and now has to shave his chest and dye his hair. He will only graduate to Sergeant once he has mastered the snorkel, the paint brush and other Sgt Birse patented moves. The corporal has an unfortunate affliction, during a car accident john was chopped in half and was given someone else's bottom half, he now has a hairless top half and the hairiest bottom half you are likely to see. The corporal loves goals, but hates headers from a yard out. As a wing wizard he is sometimes mistaken for Roxy from Eastenders, not helped by the fact he was wearing a vest in his profile pic, even though it was the first weekend in August. John hates poor people, but loves a pint of real ale on a daily basis.

	Name: Niall Mclure Known as: Niall DOB: 10th November 1989 Course: Accounting and Finance Niall joined the team in January 2008 after impressing youth scout Max Walker. Niall has steamrolled his way through the ranks and is now a regular in the Scotland Amateur Squad. His biggest weakness is his apparent lack of pace which is caused by his weak hamstrings. Niall is quite a character and under the influence of drink will race anyone at anything as well as eat some rather unusual dishes.
	Name: Danny Gillespie Known as: D, Danny G, and Recently... Chris Hoy DOB: Course: BA Sport in the Community Danny G didn't join the clyde until 3rd year of his course but still managed 4 seasons competing in BUSA due to numerous resits. Part of McCall's mob that reached the last 16, he may still make a return on a wed as he has never graduated... yet! After a year coaching for Rangers FC, he now lives the teuchter rock'n'roll lifestyle of whisky, women&tattie scones while touring with band Skerryvore.
	Name: Ross Parkhill Known as: Rossco, Pikey DOB: 21th February 1981 Course: PhD Buisiness Administration Rossco is back for his second spell at the club after a stint playing his club football in Australia. The former club Captain is the SUFC record honour winner with an amazing haul of 9 medals and trophies, including the coveted BUSA Vase (as player manager). He cites his greatest SUFC achievements as bringing through the ‘Parkhill Babes’, introducing Ace’s F*ck Ya and buying the Pike Mobile with club funds. Although constantly linked with the outlawed Irish Mafia, Ross would like to make it clear that these reports are unfounded and he has no association with this organisation.
	Name: Paul Shanta Known as: Shanta, Dopey DOB: Course: The younger and better looking brother to Mark, Paul made the transition from the Egg chasers toward the end of 2006/2007 season. After his first full season he has established himself as a no nonsense midfielder. Shanta has the best alarm clock in the business and is renowned for turning up to anything at least half an hour late. Shanta can be seen most nights (except Fridays) in most of Glasgow's hotspots, he does have a affinity for the ladies who are not chip dodgers. Having turned up for pre-season with a poofy pony tail, P.Shanta is extremelly lucky to even be inlcuded in the squad list, though dont tell him i said that cos his brother is nuts!

	Name: Ross Wilson Known as: Ross, Eoghan, Nobby Stiles DOB: 23rd November 1990 Course: BA Beauty Therapy and Massage After a successful debut season where he established himself as a 2's regular, Ross has continued to love life unless working. Ross appears to have lost some of his eye for goal although he now boasts an impressive scoop which mesmerises even the hardiest of opponents! Ross has hair that needs to be seen to be witnessed (Quote Shanta Mark, November 2008). Even in the force ten gales and sheet rain he can come off the pitch still looking like X-Factors Eoghan. Known for shaving his legs, Ross admitted to all last season, that he suffered a terrible affliction. It is so bad he nearly missed a match because of his condition. There is no reason to publicise his condition, but it rhymes with one of his nicknames above and it's not Eoghan or Ross. Ross also has a penchant for the portly ladies of Glasgow. The boy showed great bravery lately to continue to play after almost being brutally injured in an altercation in one of Glasgow's popular nightclubs. Unfortunately him and his reflection both had their eye on the same young lady who laughed off both their advances.
Picture will Appear Soon	Name: Ross Cormack Known as: Ross, Rossco, Cormack, Barry Robson, Creep 2, Coremack DOB: 23rd February 1990 Course: BA Business Ross is in his second year at Strathclyde and SUFC. A nippy little winger found scoring jammie chips for both the Wednesday and Saturday 3rd teams. Recently he has been known to hate banter and takes a fair bit of persuading to socialise. Ross is not always successful with the ladies but its not for the want of trying and he shows similar tenacity on the football park and in the nightclubs. Name: Graeme Anderson Known as: Graeme, the waterboy DOB: Course: History....of Adam Sandler movies Graeme joined the club in 2009 after making his debut for the Wednesday 3's. He has since impressed the coaching staff with his performances and has quickly moved up to the Saturday 2's squad. Graeme has proven to be quite a character and not a day goes by without him quoting a line from his favourite movie..."the waterboy". Such quotes include "ever seen a championship ring?", "he happens to be a finely tuned athletic machine" and "there's somethin wrong with his medula oblongata". Despite his old man being ex fuzz, Graeme has had brushes with the law this year; his bike related assault on an innocent pedestrian with Strathclyde hall of shame member Ruaridh Mcleod being the perfect example. Chat up lines are certainly not Graeme's specialty either. His favourite, "Get in the van" is likely to incurr the wrath of law enforcements in Salou where some squad members are heading on this years tour. Name: Shane Jamieson Known as: Shane, Captain InShano DOB: Course: Engineering Shane is a fresher new to the fold this year. He has proven to be versatile, switching from defensive to midfield roles with the Saturday 2's and 3's. A graduate of the accredited Bassett school of creeping (1st class honours), Shane is often a hit with the ladies in Glasgow's many nightspots, including the girls at Frankensteins who enjoy feeding him chips to maintain his large frame. Name: Craig Thomson Known as: Thommo, Thommo Thomson DOB: Course: Business The shortest player in the squad at 4"4, Thommo is an ambitious winger who is progressing well at the club. He enjoys terrorising full backs at training and during matches with skills he developed at mediocre clubs such as Ayr Boswell. Although he quoted in 1st year that "next year, I'll be playing in the Saturday 1s", this has not yet come to pass. However, with at least two years of uni left, he may yet achieve this if he maintains his current form. Maintains that Alexai Eremenko will be playing in the premiership this season... Name: Calum McIver Known as: Calum, McIver, "Calum Mcivacivaciva" DOB: Course: Engineering Northerner Calum is something of a veteran at Clyde now, having been with the club for around 6 years. Traditionally a left winger, Calums' haircut hasn't changed one bit since he started uni. Name: Euan Wheeler Known as: Wheeler, Mutant.... any other suggestions welcome? Course: Aero-Mechanical Engineering Wheeler is currently in his second season at the club after a succesful debut season. An exciting attacking player who causes no end of problems to any back line he encounters he gained his nickname 'mutant' after an altercation with a Windlaw player in his debut season with 'clyde. Name - Kev Thomson Known -Kev , KT, Wee Gay Kev Course - Chemical Eng DOB: 21st december 1990 Attacking centre mid , from Macduff up north , joined uni team end of 2nd year , not sure what else to say.

Forwards



	Name: Ross Hamilton Known as: Hammy, Romario DOB: 22nd June 1984 Course: Hammy is SUFC's record all time goal scorer with over 2000's goals in his time at the club. He even counts training goals just like his hero Romario. Hammy also has healing powers that X-Men's Wolverine is amazed by. He has recovered from at least three career threatening injuries. His latest being near blindness after being hit by a golf ball from a 300 yard plus drive (turns out he did it himself in the practice nets). Standing a towering 5'2.5"(the half matters), Hammy has a leap that scares even the tallest of defenders. Hammy has been with Clyde for the last four seasons and is desperate to win something with the club. Despite his legs clearly being made from chocolate, Hammy small has a power packed shot that consistently hits the target, though if theres a big boy in front of him he cannae see if hes scored.
	Name: Calum Murison Known as: Murison, Ceej, Bruce Lee, Bi-Polar DOB: 27th May 1989 Course: Sport and Physical Activity Originally from Honk Kong (just kidding) and now in his 3rd year as an SUFC player, Ceej has continued his love/hate affair with life. Work commitments have seen him drift in and out of the Saturday and Wednesday squads. He enjoys a good runaround at training and has been known to let the coaches know if he doesn't feel properly warmed up. A regular in the Saturday 2s, his style of play is direct, using his lightning speed to scare the s***e out of defenders. He loves to get to the byline and cut the ball back across for strikers or to go himself and get a shot. Ceej always has a post match report where he regularly writes and sings the theme tune despite not getting the ball. He also has the ability to russle up a cracking chow mein or chop sui! Ceej was recently diagnosed as suffering from 'bi-polar' disorder, which causes him to go from a nice enough guy to a complete pratt in the blink of an eye.
Picture Will Appear Soon	Michael Sutherland Known as: Mikey, Michael, VODKA RED BULLLLLL DOB: 27th September 1989 Course: Accounting and Finance Michael, from Fraserburgh, is a striker who features in the Wednesday and Saturday 2nd teams. Mikey has great ability to score crappy lucky goals. He has recently taken on a job in Frankensteins and relishes the opportunity to dish out his favourite beverage which is named above. He is also the founder of the Jimmy Calderwood Appreciation Society and is constantly bending everyones ears about the exploits of Jimmy. Darren Mackie is his favourite footballer and he has been known to state his name aloud in no context of any conversation.

Picture will Appear Soon	Name: Donald MacKay Known As: Big Donald, The Don DOB: 2/7/85 Course: BSc Gravity Effects of a Police Station The copper with a heart, Donald, in his first season with Clyde has made fleeting appearances due to “shift patterns”. Whilst some excuses for training like “No Bullsh*t Vinny, I’m going on the lash tonight instead of training” are believable, ones like “I knicked an old granny for peddling dope” don’t wash with the Clyde regime. Donald is a versatile player who can be employed upfront or at the back, however, he is made of chocolate when he doesn’t have his baton and stab vest on or that gang of his behind him.
	Name: Niall Hamilton Known as: Big T, Tony Quinn DOB: Course: Engineering Niall joined SUFC at the begining of the season, and despite having no experience of 11-a-side football he has quickly proven that he has natural ability. A good aerial presence with sound ball control and often a lethal finish (Erskine away this season), Niall has become an established member of the 2's forward line and hopes to add to his tally for the season. Name: Robbie Macleod Known as: Barnes DOB: Course: Social Work Robbie is another ambitious fresher who has cemented a place in the Wednesday 1's and Saturday 2's. He has already rattled goals in during his debut season in the GGPL and looks set to finish with a tally comfortably in double figures. Has aqquired the nick name 'Barnesy' as his appearance is very similar to that of Liverpool legend and hapless former Celtic manager John Barnes. Name: Dave Forbes Known as: Forbes, Foarbes Position: Centre Mid/ Centre Forward Course: 4th Year Geography and Sociology Reknowned more for my female like breasts than my skill, Forbes is a player who cant run very far or very fast. ive got a big head tho so when the ball comes up tops it tends to bounce off it and go somwhere good. Joined midway through 2nd year for the weds 3s and refused to play saturdays because, he was playing for the worst football team in Britain, Fort William. In the first season he got double figures for the goals and scored the famous champagne header which won the sat 3s the league on helicopter saturday. In his second season in 3rd year, Forbes was on the bench for the 3s most of the way through the season until he got asked to play for the 2s where he scored double figures goals in the run in. We didnt win the league this season.